Co-Parenting With A High Conflict Ex-Partner: 3 Tips On Keeping Your Sanity
by Julia Gregory
Sharing custody is difficult, but it becomes even more difficult when your ex-partner is a high conflict individual who thrives on chaos and anger. If you find yourself in a situation where you're co-parenting a child with a high conflict ex, you'll find the below three tips helpful when it comes to dealing with them and keeping your sanity.
Set Up Boundaries and Stick to Them
If it's impossible for your ex to be civil and act like an adult, it's important that you not only set appropriate boundaries but that you stick to them as well.
The beautiful thing about boundaries is that you don't even need to inform the other person that you're setting them, you just do it. For example, if you have a verbally abusive ex, you don't have to listen to their angry tirades or take being called dirty names. You're allowed to walk away, close the door, or hang up the phone. You're allowed to restrict communication to only text message or email. You're allowed to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and comfortable, as long as your child custody court order is being followed.
Communicate Through Email and Text as Much as Possible
A common problem in many high conflict co-parenting situations is the battle of the he saids/she saids. To avoid such situations, it's best to get any and all communication between you and your ex in writing.
Some high conflict ex's thrive on chaos. They may wish to make your life more difficult, including showing up two hours late to pick up your child for visitation because they "forgot" or "misunderstood." When you communicate in writing, you're able to take yourself – and your emotions – out of the equation. You can direct your ex to the written communication as proof of the agreed upon decision, and this will quickly take the wind out of your ex partner's sails.
Keep Your Emotions to Yourself and Find A Safe Place to Vent
If your ex enjoys making you upset and watching you react to their unkind words and actions, you know exactly what you have to do to shut that down, and that's stop reacting.
The less emotion you show when communicating with your ex, the less you give them to work with. If you're having trouble keeping your emotions to yourself, consider seeing a therapist. A trained therapist can help you to work through your issues with your ex and to let go of the ill feelings you still have towards them. Your therapist can teach you calming techniques, such as breathing exercises or counting to five before responding to your ex. It's important to keep from reacting in front of your ex, but it's also important to have a safe place to vent and seek advice and consolation.
If you're struggling to co-parent with a high conflict ex, consider setting up an appointment with a therapist, such as Dr Jed Turnbull. A therapist can be an invaluable resource during this high stress time and provide you with the advice and listening ear you need.
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About Me
The decision to move one of my parents into assisted living was one of the most difficult I have ever made. I had extreme feelings of guilt that led to me being at the facility with my parent practically around the clock. It took a few months before I realized that I could not let my own life fall apart from the guilt I was feeling. I also learned that my parent was fine without me constantly hovering around. Since that time, I have had several friends express similar feelings of guilt. I started this blog to help others in the same situation understand not only their feelings about assisted living, but those of their parents.